Awkwardly Romantic

I’m Sorry

I’ve hurt maybe just as much as I’ve healed
Good intentions go sour, bad intentions go awry
Those wounds have, with time, sealed
yet I still feel guilt…

My mark has been formed
as scars are forever while happiness temporary
I have unspoken apologies aplenty
but to confront such people is just…scary

Pain and guilt I feel is deserved
Whatever Karma met to me, expected
How I feel and what happens to me,
These things are, to my soul, wed

I don’t seek redemption
I don’t wish to throw off this cross
Rather I wish to find my true love
Be happy, and never let them know loss… 

The Life we know
is full of woe
Pain and Lies
and other such foes

Few are given hope,
Lives ended short by the rope
Around us there is misery
…but only because most don’t truly see

That around everything lies light:
Hope and Love,
The things for which we fight

While the cuts of life do hurt
we can always mend the wound
The world is connected by love, not pain
Just maybe…we aren’t so doomed

There is always next time

Another day
Another person
Another way
Another life

The tinder has been prepared 
with the softest care
To lie under the fuel:
so large, quite rare

Seemingly unending and perfect, 
The fuel is hot and long burning
Great warmth and comfort,
Love, for which I have been yearning 

But for now it lies dormant,
Yet ever more building
An anticipating silence grows in reverence,
Deafeningly, it goes on singing

But a spark is what’s lacked
The one thing needed for blazing inferno
Strong enough to pull the air from my lungs
…for now, a feeling I cannot know 

Love is…

Love is the look she gives,
A faint smile on the corner of her lip
as she studies in dear wonder
your every crevice, curve, and chip

Love is never having to say a word,
just lying in warm embrace
As you watch her fall asleep
and brush the strands of hair off her face

Love is surprising them at every turn, 
living in silly bliss
and learning how dull life is without them….
God, the past I do miss…

Such sweet and simple times,
those “big” problems seem so tiny…
Those are the happiest memories I have
Diamonds in the dust of my heart, bright and shiny

Love is….something I once knew 

It’s odd…I can’t help but miss my ex even now…Heck especially now. I truly appreciate now what I had with her more than I ever appreciated it at the time. I really do miss her. She was more kind and sweet and caring than I apparently deserved and she was a genuine person in my life. What’s more is that she loved me with everything she had. I can’t imagine what that pain must have been like, to have your heart broken so ruthlessly under some sort of guise of doing it for the “best of both of our interests” or whatever I came up with at the time. Truth is, I’ve learned a lot in this time that had passed and more and more I realize what an idiot I’ve become lately. Truth is, you never really stop loving somebody, or at least I know that’s how I operate. There are two people alive in this world I romantically Love and I know that part of me will go on loving them forever. I still Love Kaitlyn, not in the I want her back kind of way but in the I still care about her and wish her the absolute best in life kinda way. I truly do hope she’s happy…

Perfection is what I saw in her
The way she talked, the way she walked
Every bit of her is so ingrained in memory
her smiling face is all I see,
When I close my weary eyes.

I’m stuck with a ghost of her,
Selectively chosen memories:
the best ones we’ve had. 
If only I could go back and make time freeze.

I adore everything about her,
What others call flaws I see as character
Her scars just give her strength,
her mistakes just contrast her
for all I see is that total perfection.

An angel on Earth,
I was graced just to know her
You gave both sadness and happiness
but she was worth going after 

Her sing song rhymes ring in my head,
Her upbeat, bouncing brilliance goes on
Everything reminds me with such dread
of my possible happiness circumvented 

I’m haunted by the most beautiful demon,
tormented by what was so close, almost mine
I Love everything about her, I still Love her so
(I’m miserable, tormented, obsessive) I’m fine.
 

Betrayed.
Betrayed by Justice, Fate, and Hope.
Why did this all happen?
How do I begin to cope?

I can only ignore it so long,
before it comes creeping up on me.
With a Vengeance!
it will strike with fury,
darkening my sight with sadness. 

Where is the equivalence, the balance, the equality?
How can I put in so much
and get nothing back but wisdom, and pity
from my closest friends.

Where is the Justice in this, 
That a man can be robbed of heart and friendship
and the crime be understandable, nay commendable!
  
I gave time, money, Love, care, my entirety.
So where is my fabled ending?
The one where happily ever after
goes on, never-ending.



 

Living on autopilot:
The days come and go
but I’m not actually there;
I’m lost in the skid row
of my mind.

I feel so distant,
as if I’m in another land
Back to the hopeful past:
The one time I held your hand.

I gave everything I knew how
I played most cards right,
and more importantly
I tried to keep her happiness burning bright

So why is it now…
that hope is a cracked word,
taped together by my foolishness
and reasoning totally absurd.

This autopilot steers my way
Deaf to the realities around me
For  the only real reality I see
Was the one left behind with her.
 

Well I officially have nothing left to lose, or at least that’s the way I see it. I fear not the loss of her anymore and so in this current state the one thing I have gained is the freedom to express all that I wish on this tumblr without fearing her reaction. The curtain rises now to exploit the bottled and carefully tucked away emotions which I had feared too much for her. Let this troubled Show begin 

Happiness is Love realized
Time and energy spent on love
never is wasted nor can be bought
using every penny under Heaven above 

For me, Love is people.
Pleasing those I Love,
making sure their hearts be full
with the Love I give them 

The beauty of Love
is that it can be given away
day after day,
yet you will never have less,
but more!

To those you love,
You’d give most anything
Your care, support, life,
perhaps a diamond ring

And so I must say,
and I mean this in every single way,
to those whom I Love the most,
those warming flames my heart does host,
that for every little joyous thing that you do
Always and Forever, I Love You