I have to say, at least half of what I write starts out with no purpose or well defined meaning. It starts out as a feeling and just grows from there. The small twists and turns it makes on the way are just me dealing with the feeling I have and trying to move on from it. From sadness, I long to gain a sense of modest closure
I wish life were that of a book,
written down in plain words
would be my fate and if I’d look
I’d see my meaning, in black and white
While some would desire theirs
a long novel or sightly comic
I would much rather care
to choose my own adventure
What I wouldn’t give
to know what I had not gained.
For all those times not ventured
but bring my self disdain
So very easy to blame inaction.
At the time you feared consequence,
but now you fear life closing in
I wish to flip a few pages,
find the ending I like best and just…
go for the ride…See all the sights, have all the fun
and best of all, avoid the worst.
But for me, there is no book,
no greater knowledge available, no…nothing.
But go ahead, take a look
around…and you’ll see
life is all around with decisions to be made
Will you turn to chapter 3?
Or will you stare at page one…
Will you halt your story?
For fear of the Un-
The problem then, is nothing will be known,
Happy nor sad, love nor hate
I only have one chance left to read,
so I best not wait
Y’know, I find it funny that I haven’t posted on here ever since…well about 20 days before I got my current girlfriend. I guess that’s all it takes to go and make you forget about the place where you used to post all your angsty, bad feelings and such. Funny, aint it? Well I couldn’t go to sleep tonight and I had so many thoughts on my mind that I figured I might as well throw up whatever is still laying in my system tonight. Have you ever gone and made a mistake… and then thought about it for a few solid years? Yeah I hate that… the worst part is feeling that guilt but then also feeling utter self pity (or maybe loathing) as you realize that you still feel guilt about past events, ones you’re sure the other person has completely gone and moved on from. It’s easy to forget those kind of events in your life when you’re not the one that goes and thinks about it constantly for months or even years. You feel so pathetic, because you feel like part of you is clutching on to a disintegrating past as they move on, unaware of your current existence. I want to go and message these people in my life…go and tell them randomly that I’m sorry. That I made a mistake and I really shouldn’t have been so selfish and blind in my actions but there’s no way I could do that. No way I could risk opening those scars in myself… and no way I want to go and creep out those people, haha. To one… I have no words that could express my regrets in my actions. I messed up so badly it’s not even funny. I feel dirty just looking at you on facebook. I feel wholly unworthy to even look to you… To my second, I wish I could apologize truly. I would bring it up, but I know it could easily end in your anger at me for even talking of such things. Y’know I never could figure out your emotions…they always did confuse me and get me in further trouble. But you know what? While we had a terrible romance (if you could call it that), you were a great friend to me when I needed you. It’s probably why I’ve thought of you the most in the past…because I made the most mistakes with you, but I also gravitate towards that friendship you’ve always shown me. Oh, right, and no I never meant for you to read that certain page of my journal. I never wanted to make you jealous or whatever. To the third, a brief friend that I lost contact with…I’m sorry. You were selfless with your friendship even when I selfishly desired more at times. I still embarrass myself at the thought of that day. That day when my selfish desires and curiosity met your own curiosity. That wasn’t the problem, the problem is when I asked for more. I still feel like such a fool for what seemed so inconsequential at the time. Lust truly was my deadly sin in those times.
I’ve hurt maybe just as much as I’ve healed
Good intentions go sour, bad intentions go awry
Those wounds have, with time, sealed
yet I still feel guilt…
My mark has been formed
as scars are forever while happiness temporary
I have unspoken apologies aplenty
but to confront such people is just…scary
Pain and guilt I feel is deserved
Whatever Karma met to me, expected
How I feel and what happens to me,
These things are, to my soul, wed
I don’t seek redemption
I don’t wish to throw off this cross
Rather I wish to find my true love
Be happy, and never let them know loss…
The Life we know
is full of woe
Pain and Lies
and other such foes
Few are given hope,
Lives ended short by the rope
Around us there is misery
…but only because most don’t truly see
That around everything lies light:
Hope and Love,
The things for which we fight
While the cuts of life do hurt
we can always mend the wound
The world is connected by love, not pain
Just maybe…we aren’t so doomed
There is always next time
The tinder has been prepared
with the softest care
To lie under the fuel:
so large, quite rare
Seemingly unending and perfect,
The fuel is hot and long burning
Great warmth and comfort,
Love, for which I have been yearning
But for now it lies dormant,
Yet ever more building
An anticipating silence grows in reverence,
Deafeningly, it goes on singing
But a spark is what’s lacked
The one thing needed for blazing inferno
Strong enough to pull the air from my lungs
…for now, a feeling I cannot know
Haha Thanks, but they’re my friends IRL so it’s all cool
-_- Why do I even try with you guys…
Love is the look she gives,
A faint smile on the corner of her lip
as she studies in dear wonder
your every crevice, curve, and chip
Love is never having to say a word,
just lying in warm embrace
As you watch her fall asleep
and brush the strands of hair off her face
Love is surprising them at every turn,
living in silly bliss
and learning how dull life is without them….
God, the past I do miss…
Such sweet and simple times,
those “big” problems seem so tiny…
Those are the happiest memories I have
Diamonds in the dust of my heart, bright and shiny
Love is….something I once knew
It’s odd…I can’t help but miss my ex even now…Heck especially now. I truly appreciate now what I had with her more than I ever appreciated it at the time. I really do miss her. She was more kind and sweet and caring than I apparently deserved and she was a genuine person in my life. What’s more is that she loved me with everything she had. I can’t imagine what that pain must have been like, to have your heart broken so ruthlessly under some sort of guise of doing it for the “best of both of our interests” or whatever I came up with at the time. Truth is, I’ve learned a lot in this time that had passed and more and more I realize what an idiot I’ve become lately. Truth is, you never really stop loving somebody, or at least I know that’s how I operate. There are two people alive in this world I romantically Love and I know that part of me will go on loving them forever. I still Love Kaitlyn, not in the I want her back kind of way but in the I still care about her and wish her the absolute best in life kinda way. I truly do hope she’s happy…
Perfection is what I saw in her
The way she talked, the way she walked
Every bit of her is so ingrained in memory
her smiling face is all I see,
When I close my weary eyes.
I’m stuck with a ghost of her,
Selectively chosen memories:
the best ones we’ve had.
If only I could go back and make time freeze.
I adore everything about her,
What others call flaws I see as character
Her scars just give her strength,
her mistakes just contrast her
for all I see is that total perfection.
An angel on Earth,
I was graced just to know her
You gave both sadness and happiness
but she was worth going after
Her sing song rhymes ring in my head,
Her upbeat, bouncing brilliance goes on
Everything reminds me with such dread
of my possible happiness circumvented
I’m haunted by the most beautiful demon,
tormented by what was so close, almost mine
I Love everything about her, I still Love her so
(I’m miserable, tormented, obsessive) I’m fine.
Betrayed by Justice, Fate, and Hope.
Why did this all happen?
How do I begin to cope?
I can only ignore it so long,
before it comes creeping up on me.
With a Vengeance!
it will strike with fury,
darkening my sight with sadness.
Where is the equivalence, the balance, the equality?
How can I put in so much
and get nothing back but wisdom, and pity
from my closest friends.
Where is the Justice in this,
That a man can be robbed of heart and friendship
and the crime be understandable, nay commendable!
I gave time, money, Love, care, my entirety.
So where is my fabled ending?
The one where happily ever after
goes on, never-ending.
Living on autopilot:
The days come and go
but I’m not actually there;
I’m lost in the skid row
of my mind.
I feel so distant,
as if I’m in another land
Back to the hopeful past:
The one time I held your hand.
I gave everything I knew how
I played most cards right,
and more importantly
I tried to keep her happiness burning bright
So why is it now…
that hope is a cracked word,
taped together by my foolishness
and reasoning totally absurd.
This autopilot steers my way
Deaf to the realities around me
For the only real reality I see
Was the one left behind with her.
Well I officially have nothing left to lose, or at least that’s the way I see it. I fear not the loss of her anymore and so in this current state the one thing I have gained is the freedom to express all that I wish on this tumblr without fearing her reaction. The curtain rises now to exploit the bottled and carefully tucked away emotions which I had feared too much for her. Let this troubled Show begin